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Solitude is the gateway to the necessary pain and awareness which lead to self discovery...
Madness once found me here
There was a time in my life when I carried enough anger and hatred inside me to destroy everything around me, including myself. Back then, I promised that I would never return to this place — a place I came to call here.
I have fought battles within myself that left both my mind and body exhausted. I believed I had escaped that part of my life for good. Yet, despite everything I had gone through, I somehow found myself standing in the same place again, facing the same thoughts I once swore I would never face.
The journey back has felt like an endless voyage across a dangerous ocean. Most days were rough, the waves high and unforgiving, the sky dark enough to make me wonder if I would ever see calm water again. Every so often, the storm would break just long enough for the sun to come through, and in those moments I could see a strange kind of beauty in the chaos. But the calm never lasted. Hidden rocks just beneath the surface were always there, waiting to tear the hull apart and drag me under.
Learning to pay attention to what was happening around me — and inside me — became the only thing that kept me from going under completely. Awareness was not something I wanted, but it became something I needed to survive.
For a long time, I believed that here was an actual place. Somewhere I could point to, somewhere I could leave behind. I thought it was something I could see, hear, smell, and touch. Only after finding my way back did I begin to understand that this place was never outside of me. It was something I carried with me my entire life.
Looking back now, I often ask myself how close I really came to losing control. How close I came to running aground on those jagged rocks I never saw coming. How close I came to disappearing into a darkness I might not have found my way out of. Sometimes I still wonder if a part of me never did.
I never wanted to return to this ocean, but I came back anyway. Not because I had to, but because I needed to understand what happened to me while I was here. This time, I am not here to fight the waves. I am here to listen.
Confusion Growing up with a gay father and my struggles with society
The story you are about to read goes far beyond the boundaries of sexuality. It crosses lines that few dare to cross. Beyond these boundaries lie darkness, demons, ghosts, and storms that constantly try to keep you from moving forward. They appear as fear, hate, shame, guilt, abandonment, denial, unworthiness, and feeling unloved. Yet, it is also in these places that the brightest light shines. It begins as a faint glimmer, and if you fight relentlessly, you will see just how bright that light can become. This is a story that begins in innocence, turns to anger, hatred, and resentment, and ultimately allows the self to develop awareness—through the pain lived and relived—until it gives way to reconciliation and acceptance, first and foremost of the self.
Arriving in June, 2026. Stay tuned!
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